Old Stokie to the Rescue

Yesterday at Stoke City 1-0 Blackburn (a much better game than any of the match reports will concede, I can’t find one single correspondent who managed to put their pre-conceptions aside and watch the actual game in front of them) I parked the car in a match-day car-park belonging to a big shiny firm called Rieter on an industrial estate beside the ground. It costs a fiver, I’ve done it before, though I’ve never looked at the small print on the ticket which advises that they will lock up an hour after the full time whistle. Post-match we hung around a good while while Matty, the twelve yr-old who I had taken along, who is usually with us, the stepson of my friend Graham Etherington, who is usually there to organise me but – crucially – was absent yesterday, had his programme signed by many of our heroic players including Ricardo Fuller who was wearing a 3 Euro Jamaica baseball cap. This signed programme was to be a birthday present-type gift for Graham. The squad were relaxed after the win and were generous with their time all of which meant that we got back to Rieter’s car park at 18.03 to find padlocked gates and one car left inside. There was the number of a “24 Hour” security firm on the gate; they were set to “weekend answer phone”. I phoned the cops who gave me the name of a firm that lists key holders for industrial premises (the operator also advised me that that was classified information and that the firm would not be able to release the details to me personally – I’d have to go back through the cops to be updated on whether that would be allowed): but there was no keyholder listed for Rieter in any event. We limboed under the padlocked gate (there was space enough to do that, though we would have looked better if we were wearing 3 Euro Jamaica baseball caps) and assessed the situation on the dirt ground round the back of Rieter. I was hoping there would be a gap in the fence somewhere so I could off-road and slip out. There was not. Rieter – who I have discovered make pre-formed carpets and foam inserts for sound deadening in cars – is like Fort Knox but without any actual sign of any actual security men. I was rather wishing that our illegal presence within the grounds of their premises would alert someone in uniform with epaulettes on the shoulders but it did not. Matty was looking at me now as if to say, ‘You are a very foolish man aren’t you and you have got us into a hell of a spot.’ He more or less said this in actual words and then leveled a deadly accusation at me: ‘We’ll miss Match of the Day.’

I did the only thing I could; I phoned Old Stokie. His first response was to say he’d got this pair of bolt cutters that would definitely get through the padlock. By the time he’d got there he had modified his thoughts and instead offered me the use his green Seat Punto to drive us back to Norwich. The radio doesn’t work in it, there was only one Sigur Ross CD (the CD does work) which I have now heard ten times and you have to ‘have the knack’ regarding the ignition key. All the same, I love that car and am indebted to OS for ever now, which is not a situation I especially want to find myself in. Anybody needing a package running from Norwich to Stoke or vice-versa tomorrow when I will return to Rieter to retrieve my vehicle, I’m your man.

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20 Responses to Old Stokie to the Rescue

  1. mum says:

    OMG you could not make it up !!!!!!! Lol 🙂

  2. shep207 says:

    Is it a cut and shut? 😉

    I had quite an eventful day as well. My shop was robbed on the second day of opening during the fucking match I was watching on a stream! Of all the times to nick stuff they had to choose ten past 4 on Saturday..

    I managed to chase them down the street and get the stuff back though so it wasn’t all bad..

  3. Daftburger says:

    What a nightmare for someone like you to be seen in a car like that!

    ‘Pedant alert’ Was it a Fiat Punto or are you saying all he offered you was a green seat and used cockney rhyming slang to describe him?

    Shep near the end of trading is always a favourite time for the thieving b’stards! They gotta get the stuff and sell it before their saturday night out, innt!

  4. Stephen Foster says:

    Top Die Hardery there Shep.

  5. Stephen Foster says:

    It’s got Seat written on the steering wheel. Also, in the clear light of day, it’s blue.

  6. Daftburger says:

    Probably got it from McGuinness’s! 😀

  7. Daftburger says:

    Probably got it from McGuinness’s! 😀

  8. makemeadiva says:

    Next time let the twelve-year old drive. He might need a t-shirt that says “Carer” too?

  9. calvininjax says:

    Parking on Riter’s car park £5.

    Getting to Stoke from Norwich (twice) £220.

    Ricardo Fuller’s autograph — priceless!

  10. Stephen Foster says:

    Well, at last, someone who understands…


  11. OS says:

    >It’s got Seat written on the steering wheel.

    Well, blow me down wif a fevver! I’ve had this Fiat Punto ELX since Feb, and I’ve never seen that! That might upset me now.

    >Also, in the clear light of day, it’s blue.

    Yes it is. And even in the twilight, because it’s a dark metallic blue, I’m amazed that anyone could say it was green.

    >What a nightmare for someone like you to be seen in a car like that!

    On the button, daftbugger! In aktewal fact, his very words were, after I’d asked if he was ok with it: “The only problem I have is that someone may see me in it.” The gay, posh brasted!

    >there was only one Sigur Ross CD (the CD does work) which I have now heard ten times

    No! No! No! If young Matty had not fallen asleep before you got to Uttoxeter to the sound of your gay droning, he may have been able to look in the glove compartment, where he would have found the brilliant CD that Eli gave to all of us BS’s. It even has The Smiths on it! And Nina and her Neunundneunzig rote Ballons! You fule!

    Shep, that is a shit event! You should have kicked the shit out of the brasteds! Those bolt croppers winger mentioned, are in the boot of the ‘green Seat’. I’ll loan them to you, and next time it happens, tie them up with legs sperad wide, and ‘deflower’ them. Trust me, that weapon is better than Dirty Harry’s big gun!

    And now I have to arrange my day to accomodate a gayer from Naaaaarwich who will be arriving to to pick up his car, which was so bloody stupidly left in a secure car park that shuts one hour after the game ends. Just remember, winger, I have to pick Swiss’s mad boys up from skool at 3, so move your bloody arse!



  12. Stephen Foster says:

    Metal to the pedal baby : )

  13. mum says:

    🙂 🙂 🙂 OS x

  14. OS says:

    Mum: however did he go on when you had your British Leyland car? Did he refuse to go out with you in it?


  15. OS says:

    Get stuffed, daftbugger! Aktewally, it was a class 3 write off which I bought for £750, and which I got Swiss to repair. He did a pretty good job, although he refused to put his name on the bonnet because it was so knackered. It’s still ‘so knackered’, but a bonnet won’t stop me getting from A to B. I can live without cosmetic surgery to cars. I’d prefer to save up for a neck tuck on mesen first. 😉


  16. Daftburger says:

    So it was on it’s way to McGuinness’s? 😀

    I was on abart the steering wheel with SEAT on it in a Fiat Punto.

  17. Ange says:

    Hoorah for OS, he saves the day! Thanks to you for the safe return of my son! :0)
    Very funny blog, Steve.
    I apologise for my son’s bluntness regarding his comments to you and about the MOTD thing! ;0)

  18. Stephen Foster says:

    Hi Ange! I found him to be a charming companion in his blunt way : )

  19. Graham Etherington says:

    Speaking as Matty’s dad, I still think £5 for 48 hours parking is a absolute bargain.

  20. Stephen Foster says:

    hahaha, it’s just as funny the second time : )

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