As told to our Cultural Correspondent by Old Stokie in his own *inimitable* style.
Run round next door but two to the old bakers. Pay him threepence and take home a large tin loaf. Tell your Mam to cut off a two inch slice from the end of the loaf, cover it in a quarter inch layer of thick, sweetened condensed milk, sprinkle it with sugar, sod off out with the dog and consume while sitting on a wall watching the traffic go by. Chew it for a quarter of an hour, and then with the very last tiny morsel of the corner, pretend you’re going to pop it into your mouth and watch him go frantic. Jump off the wall, give it to him and watch his gratitude. He’ll lick you all over and you’ll end up as clean and with the best mate you’ll ever have. Repeat the thing late at night and you can then go in and pretend you’ve had a wash and that will save you scrubbing yourself in a freezing cold scullery.